ni idea

Sitting here at my desk, after a long day, nursing a Heineken (my fave summer beer since it seems to be nearly summer already -- until the next snow storm, that is). My dinner is eaten, groceries put away -- dishes not done, however, -- and wishing. Wishing that life were sometimes easier. Pollyannas step aside, sometimes life just sucks. Purely sucks.

I hate sin. I hate mental illness. I hate disease. I hate having to work through crap. I hate having weaknesses. I hate sore feet. I admit it. I feel overwhelmed in the crapness of it all. I want to bury my head in a cryogenic freezer and not surface for another 100 or more years until a time when it's "all better."

Of course, I know this panacea doesn't ever materialize. I got it right there in the Book. Don't get any better. Not till you make it all the way up to St Teresa de Avila's or San Juan's place. (They have a sign out front, you can't miss it.) Now there, there, all is well (guess I gotta include St Julian of Norwich, too in that case). For now I get to kill time drinking beer, making myself a salmon dinner, writing a blaaahg out into lah lah land hoping a few friends will hear me, and dreaming about doing the Colorado Trail this summer. Is there anything in between the sublime and the, well, I am not going to call eating salmon or drinking beer ridiculous or banal, but, you know what I mean....? Bliss or ....? I don't know how to fill that in.

I am tired of things being a slog, hard. I am tired of seeing people I love suffer things like MS and mental illness. I am heartbroken that my nephews have no father who can show them how to be good men in this world....that they have to go it on their own. I am tired of being single. Tired of men who are well past the age of oughting to know who can't get their shit together and make a decision about how to take a wife. (I guess I better start referring them to Shakespeare for life direction: see Taming of the Shrew. Decide to marry. Then, do so. -- of course there was a bit of coercion that had to go take place in this particular example :-) ) But hey, this is MY blog, so I can say whatever I want!

Okay, so you get the punto. I am struggling. I need to see a way through all this -- somehow.

Got any ideas?